and maybe you're not as strong as they believe
by Morghen
Summary: Oh Freddie, he's far from blind - so why can't he see that it's not Effy you want? Cookie/Freddie slash. Freeverse poem. Rated T for swearing and some sexual references.


_"i would do anything _  
_ 'cause love is a selfish thing"_

(_-isles and glaciers)_

**xxx**

It's a right mess

a tangled, fucked-up mess

with strings knotting between

friendship & fucking

between

the guys & the _girl_

between

your feelings & your fear

but it's easier this way

it's so much easier to say

_"_fuck off, you _twat"_

than it is to say (to admit)

_"_it's just that I kinda, well, love you_"_

_and not in the way I love JJ_

_and not in the way I should_

_and not in the way you love me_

**xxx**

It's not that you haven't tried

to tell him

to show him

to do everything but s-p-e-l-l it out for him

It's not like you haven't kissed him

once

_or_

twice

_but you've snogged JJ, but you snog everyone_

but it's not like that!

you've never kissed JJ or **anyone**

with the intensity

with the feeling

that you have with Freddie

and, of course, he can't see that

because his eyes are too busy

undressing _fucking _Effy

because his mind is too occupied with

thinking about _fucking_ Effy

**_fucking _**Effy

**_fucking_**Effy

_**FUCK**_EFFY!

and so you do the only thing

you can do

(you fuck Effy)

**xxx**

But you've never been one for planning

(more of a spur of the moment kinda guy)

and you hadn't at all expected him

to still want her

to still love her

after she's laid in your bed

(many, many times)

but he does

he fucking does

because he's stupid like that

**xxx**

And when he comes up to you

when Freddie actually finds the balls to say

_"I need to know it's okay, Cookie. I love her."_

(_"oh, and by the way, I slept with her last night"_)

you can only shake your head

and make your last attempt to secure him for yourself

_"I can't tell you that"_

(**_BECAUSE I WANT_**_** YOU!**_)

_"I need her"_

(**_I NEED YOU, YOU_ **_**WANKER!**_)_  
_

_"I love her"_

(_**I FUCKING LOVE** **YOU!**_)

and let him walk away

because that's what you do

you let everything good you've ever had

you let everything good you've ever wanted

_leave_

(perhaps you're more like Daddy than you'll ever admit)

without the bat of an eyelash

with just the light of some spliff

with just the comfort of a bottle

because you're stupid like that

(because you're fucking **scared**)

**xxx**

You let them lock you up

because it seemed like a good idea at the time

taking the blame for something you didn't do

and owing up to something you did

because maybe that way Freddie will see

that you can change, that you can grow up

and maybe that way

you can sort out these thoughts and feelings that you never wished to have

but it turns out even a

WEEK

is too long to go without

seeing him&talking to him&being near him

so you escape

(easy as that)

but what you had expected

(you should know by now never to expect anything)

the welcome back that you had imagined

is no where to be found

JJ has this _fucking_ girlfriend and this job

and Freddie

well, he's killing himself to keep _her_ alive

and everyone is just too busy for you

everyone's been getting on fine

**without** you

can't you see, they don't

**need**

you anymore, Cookie

can't you realize, they don't

**love**

you anymore, Cook

it's all about Effy now

_EffyEffyFUCKINGEffy_

(because she's going crazy, you know?)

and no one has time for your games anymore

and the only people who want you now are the

police

so maybe you should just

_leave_

maybe you should just leave them all to live their

fucked up lives

**w**-**i**-**t**-**h**-**o**-**u**-**t** you

but that's the problem

you could never do that

(if only you _could_ do that)

because you **need** them

too much

because you **love** him

too much

because you're

**SCARED**

**xxx**

But when it all comes down to it

when Freddie's gone

(not as in _just went away_)

but as in

**bloody** _fucking_ clothing

**bloody** _fucking_ trainers

(with his name in your handwriting across the side)

that you find in some bloke's basement

you aren't **scared** anymore

you aren't **scared**

(_I'M NOT FUCKING **SCARED**!_)

you stand up to that man

that man who beat down Freddie

(your Freddie, your best fucking mate)

and tell him

_"I'M NOT **SCARED**"_

_"I HAVEN'T ANYTHING TO LOSE"  
_

_(because I've lost the only thing that mattered)  
_

_"AND I KNOW YOU KILLED HIM"  
_

and you hit him with a rage_  
_

a passion-filled rage

every blow made

every punch swung

is for Freddie

because vengeance is the only thing you can give him now

because it's too late, you're too _fucking_ late

because he would've done the same thing for you

* * *

**I've been so addicted to this series lately! It's just...wow. **

**:O  
**

**I know the series showed that Cook and Freddie were fighting because of Effy, but I always interpreted it more because Cookie loved Freddie and Freddie loved Effy. AND you have to admit that Cookie seemed to kiss/hug/touch/declare his love for Freddie quite often.  
**

**;3  
**

**Thank you, mew, for betaing this! I really appreciate it, especially since you don't watch Skins. :)  
**


End file.
